Transfer Rumours: Man United X Star Wars
- Dec 16, 2015
- 3 min read
With the January transfer windowing drawing near, many clubs will be looking to bolster their attacking forces in a last ditch effort to contest the Premier League title. While most clubs will only look to tinker and fine tune their squad, Manchester United are looking at a complete overhaul of their attacking lineup. With youngster Anthony Martial missing time due to injury and Wayne Rooney doing his best Houdini impression, reinforcements are certainly needed. But who is worthy of leading Louis Van Gaal's men to action and who should the pragmatic Dutchman steer clear of?
MSN
With United being held scoreless five times already this season, LVG will be looking to sign some considerable goalscoring threats. Of course, record-brealers Luis Suarez, Leo Messi and Neymar come to mind, with the deadly trio scoring 119 goals combined in the 2013/14 season. The effort to sign them has been described as a "£1 billion battle" while Neymar alone has been given a £195m price tag. LVG spent £300m this offseason and seems more than willing to pay a ludicrous sum of money to get his man. Prior to the beginning of the season, Neymar was rumoured to be in Manchester to sign with the club before ultimately backing out of the deal.
Lord Bendtner
One of the most instantly recognisable figures in all the sport, Nicklas Bendtner is already an Arsenal legend after scoring this goal against Spurs with his first touch of the game. Throughout his nine seasons at the club, he scored 47 goals in 171 total appearances, an underrated 0.27 goals per game .With United struggling to score goals both in the air and alone the ground, Bendtner would be the perfect signing for the club. Currently playing on a competitive Wolfsburg team in the Bundesliga, Bendtner has scored 4 goals in only 19 appearances; still a better strike rate than Eden Hazard. If United were looking to sign the most complete player available on the market, MSN can move over as Lord Bendtner makes his presence known.
Jarryd Hayne
"The Hayne Plane" as he's affectionately known, was recently cut from the San Francisco 49ers squad and was left to compete with their practice squad. But that shouldn't deter Van Gaal from attempting to sign the young Australian. After leaving rugby league down under, Hayne put on some muscle in order to compete with the larger athletes in the NFL. Fortunately, he maintained the blistering pace that aided him in winning Dally M Player of the Year. His unique combination of size and power more than proves that Hayne is a more viable option on the wing than Nick Powell and Jesse Lingard. Hayne doesn't have any formal training playing football, but that hasn't stopped him before.
Han Solo
The pilot of the Millenium Falcon may not know too much about football, but it is well known that this "Nerf Herder" has an itchy trigger finger. After meeting droids C3-PO and R2-D2, Solo is met by fellow smuggler Greedo who has a message from reknowned crimelord Jabba the Hutt. As things get tense, Solo is seen to controversially shoot Greedo first. This sparked many debates and rumours that Solo was more than just a smuggler. Regardless of how he is perceived by the crowd, Van Gaal is in desperate need of a man who isn't afraid to shoot, even if he shouldn't. Despite being 73 years old, Solo could prove to be the lethal weapon LVG is looking to sign.
Yoda
The signing of Master Yoda could only be foreseen by one person... Master Yoda himself. As the most powerful and, more importantly, most wide Jedi, Yoda knows every trick in the book when it comes to playing football. Despite standing at only 66cm tall, Yoda could provide competition to Memphis Depay up front. Neither will be winning headers or out-jumping centre backs, but their quick feet combined with great skill could see United's season turn around. Did I mention Yoda can use the Force as well?
Stormtroopers
The reputation of stormtroopers often precedes them, and LVG will be hesistant to sign any as their accuracy is only slightly better than Juan Mata's shots on target to total shots ratio. While they could fill in at left back to replace Ashely Young, who continues to dive like there's no tomorrow, they may be better suited to a bench role. Their eratic behaviour and proven history to be easily turned against their managers. LVGs loyalty has been tested before, but this may be pushing it.
Luke Skywalker
Of course, who could forget Skywalker's longshot to destroy the Death Star and secure the win for the Rebel Alliance? Deadly from anywhere on the field (read: galaxy), Skywalker would be the ideal addition to the United squad with his uncanny ability to score the ball from the most unlikeliest of angles.
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